Reader's note: This isn't a post about programming or programming languages. It's, instead, about my early experiences and thoughts on Buddhism. I'm not religious, and this won't be a religious post. Having said that, it strays significantly far from programming that it's at least worth a warning.
Reader's note #2: I'm a very new Buddhist, relatively speaking, as I've been practicing a little over a year. This post is me reflecting on what I currently think about it, and in a few years time maybe I'll look back and have a hardy laugh. Still, maybe others will find this bit of the journey interesting.
A year ago a (soon to be) good friend of mine leant me a copy of Pema Chodron's
When Things Fall Apart. It's a collection of lessons by the author, a Buddhist nun, on dealing with difficult situations in your life. Though relatively short in length, it more than made up for it with its challenging, yet accessible, thesis:
difficult times are the best teachers. If you can keep yourself from shutting down during them, you can learn things about yourself that you can't learn in any other situation.
Obviously this is counter to how we generally approach frustration, emotional anger, bitterness, or disappointment. Instead of running from them, trying to fight them or fix them, trying to explore all the reasons they came to be, or creating a story that explains them - instead of all of this, just looking straight at them without any story or judgment. It's in those moments that you actually really learn something.
I was intrigued. I made my way through the book and started attending classes at the
Sakya monastery near where I lived. Sakya didn't have quite the same flavor as Pema's challenge, and it was full of more strange phrases, chants, and practices than I was ready for (Sakya is a full-on, traditional Tibetan Buddhist monastery. On the first day, you're chanting in Tibetan with everyone else, and trying your best to observe all their traditions [like not showing the soles of your feet]). Staggering, I gracelessly bowed out of the full Tibetan experience, and went back to my life.
When I got back to grad school in the fall, I had a rude awakening. The classes I'd selected would turn out to be some of the most challenging, and on top of that, I had responsibilities as a research assistant (I still think about this as a disappointingly poor output semester research-wise). I called up my friend who had leant me the book on Buddhism, despondent that grad school was still hard (surprise surprise), and she reminded me that any choice I made about my life is fine with her.
Thanks, I thought. That means the choice is still all mine.
On a whim, I started meditating 10-15 minutes a day. I was hoping this would lower my stress and make the grind of grad school a bit more bearable. To my elation, it worked. It wasn't "perfect", I still had some rough patches, but I didn't feel quite so frazzled as I had. It was, albeit limited, a success. Which is why I stopped meditating.
Not intentionally, mind you.
After the semester, I fell back to irregular practice, and my stress levels crept back up to where they were before.
Aside: most grad students I know mentally quit grad school pretty regularly. It's a more potent fantasy for me than anything else when I'm at my most stressed and frustrated.
The following semester (this past semester), after weeks of feeling that stress returning I again returned to regular meditation.
Fast forward a few months, through a stressful-but-not-as-stressful-as-it-could-have-been semester, and I'm looking at an intriguing book in a used bookstore called
The Brain That Changes Itself. How could you not love that? It sounds like something from a 50s sci-fi where the brain in the jar manages to climb out and use the mutation ray to turn itself into a monster. So, I bought it.
It turns out it's not a 50s sci fi (okay, I confess, I actually read a few pages before buying it just to be sure). It's about how daily emphasizing/practice/focused repetition actually causes physical changes in the brain. The book is well-worth the read if you're at all interested in an accessible book on how the brain works. The most powerful story to me was about a woman who had lost the ability to stand up because she felt like her whole world was spinning - an unfortunate side effect of the medication she had taken. Unfortunately, this spinning phenomenon was permanent.
After trying treatments, her doctors hit upon a rather radical one. What if a gyroscope was attached to her at a place she could receive normal sensations, like her skin. Leaning too far forward could touch one patch of skin, too far backward, the other. They built a prototype of the device, trained her on it and then let her practice. She found that she could move successfully. After ten minutes or so, they removed it, and saw, to their surprise, that she could continue to move successfully for a short period of time. Over the following weeks, and months, they tried the device again, and found that the time she was able to move after the device was removed kept getting longer and longer.
Their theory is very pertinent to the theme of the book, and, if you'll let me, to one of the main themes I've noticed in my own practice and study of Buddhism, and it's this: the nerves in this patient's inner ear that related to balance were misfiring, but there were still a few that were healthy. By showing which nerves to 'listen' to, and which ones to filter out, the brain could rewire itself to successfully be able to balance again.
Okay, I promised some Buddhism, how does that story relate? The next book I read (well, after reading
one about Star Trek DS9 [for the win!]), was a handbook on meditation called
Mindfulness in Plain English. It teaches a deceptively simple form of meditation called Vipassana, or insight, meditation. I was familiar with this as Pema Chodron mentioned it in her books. The idea is to watch your breath, and to regard distractions as either simply 'thoughts' or to attend to them by noting their particular characteristic and how long they last before you are back to focusing on your breath. The steps are easy in the same way the rules of Go are easy (and just like Go, difficult in practice).
The overall idea is simple: meditation gives you a safe practice ground to try out facing your fears, frustrations, delights, temptations - you name it - and regard them all equally, without judgment. By doing so, you begin to train the mind to focus on a particular part of itself, one that can focus and attend to the world in a less filtered way, without building up stories and fantasies about it. Just like the patient who could no longer stand because her inner ear circuitry was no longer healthy, yet she still manage to learn with guidance, here meditation offers a way to re-enforce the bit of our mind that acts as the mindful observer.
I had to try this out. As recommended by the book I began meditating to a timer instead of a loosely set limit based on my comfort level. This immediately meant that right off, I started dealing with my own impatience and sitting there "getting nowhere". Aha! Noticing this was the point, I sat with the frustration, not sure it would pass or if I had the discipline to not give up and just go to bed. To my surprise, after a minute (or five), I relaxed and it passed. After it passed I got the warm feeling of getting the right answer on the test, a contented feeling of "ooooh, I see". This lasted another minute before the next hill came into view.
Buddhist meditation, it seems to me still early in my practice, is much like this. When you meditate, you take on the next hill, and then the next, and work on staying aware of your simple goal - watching your breath despite the ups and downs you feel. The ultimate goal of all this practice is to build up that mental muscle that helps you stay aware and to carry that awareness into your everyday life so that you're aware of when you're upset, or elated, or disappointed, or aroused and to watch it instead of (over-)reacting to it. Then, to reach out compassionately and help others do the same.
I still have my doubts that I would ever want to be so totally in control of my inner life. Surely things like the wildness of unabashed lust and the mind-numbing entertainment of romantic comedies all have their place.
So I'm maintaining a healthy skepticism as I continue, viewing Buddhist meditation an experiment not a religion. I'm curious what I will find.